Chapter 47
Nikolay:
1 sat on my desk as I got lost in my thoughts.
My heart raced and I couldn’t help but find myself choking at the fact that my wife was out there living with me, and she wasn’t the woman of my dreams.
It killed me to admit, but the idea of that, when LIVING it, is only one that is angering me more than I should be.
My chest hurts and feels tighten whenever I do think of what Anastasia did, but seeing myself with another woman after such a short period, when I really didn’t get over anything, was not something that I expected.
I pulled on my hair roots, and sighed as I tried to think of something. better to do. Anything would have done, but now, I knew that I would go up to see Katerina in my room. The woman, my wife, who I couldn’t find myself being with, was waiting for me, trying to analyze and understand. what was going on, but in truth, I didn’t even know how to explain this to her. She wouldn’t understand if I tried to explain it, and I didn’t expect her to, if I were being honest, she would have hated me anyway.
“Think, Nikolay, think.” I said before getting up from the chair. My heart ached, but I knew that it was the right thing to do. I couldn’t run away from this for good. It would be impossible for me to do so. But I knew for fact that I had to maintain myself for this marriage. The woman wanted to trust me and I knew that I needed to somehow find my peace, and though I knew that this was not going to be the healthiest way, I knew that I had to stay completely calm and quiet about it. If anything, I needed to calm myself down enough to manage working on this with no emotions.
I walked out of my office and toward my, or more specifically, OUR room, knowing that what I was to do was going to be one of the hardest things that I had to do. It was going to kill me inside, but I knew that I wanted to clear my mind. Katerina deserved better than how I was treating her, and
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that was something that I knew. Therefore, I was going to take advantage of it, and I was going to make sure that things did turn out right. I owed it to her to be at least somewhat fair about how I treated her.
I knocked on the door twice before opening it, smiling when I saw Katerina sitting on the chair in front of her dresser, having the maid braid her hair. She looked at me through the mirror, frowning when she saw me walking inside. I cleared my throat, motioning for the girls to walk out and leave the two of us alone. Katerina went to stand; however, I put both my hands on her shoulders, stopping her. I slowly massaged them before leaning in to kiss the crown of her head, letting my lips linger there as the smell of vanilla, her shampoo, hit my nostrils.
“I know that I have been unfair to you, and I am well aware that you may hate me because of it. I understand that our marriage is not one that you want to have or live through, and I am well aware that I may be breaking your heart almost every single day because of how I treat you.” I said, choosing to let out how I was feeling. There was no point in blocking it in. I knew that she was well aware that something was wrong, something was bothering me, and something was hurting me. I couldn’t give her the reason, I didn’t want her to feel as insecure, but I would at least hint a few things out to her for her to give me some time. “I didn’t want this marriage to be one, and you know that. I know that Anastasia and I broke you, and broke a lot in yourself confidence, and I know that I personally upset and broke your heart.”
“It was never in my intention, I have to admit that. Though I did want you. to leave, I eventually found myself seeking your attention, loving the kind side that I saw in you, and loving your innocence.” I said, looking at her through the mirror. “I may not be the perfect husband, I know that I never will be. And I have to admit, my feelings to you are not mutual. The love that I see in your eyes is not one that I can give back, and you have to know that I want more than ever to share the same feelings, but I will be lying if I said that I am.”
“Nikolay…”
“I want you to give me some time.” I said, stopping her, not knowing what
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she was going to say. “I know that you have, and I know that we have agreed to make our marriage real, and I will not break that. My respect toward you wouldn’t count on feelings, and our relationship would be one that I will cherish. But to fall in love with you, I need time, and I will ask that you please give it to me.”
Katerina stayed quiet as she looked at me. Her pain could be seen in her eyes, and that was something that I didn’t like. But I knew that it was best for me to be honest with her. Lying to her would lead me to nothing but fake dreams, and I did not want her to build something in her mind that wasn’t real.
She took a deep breath and nodded, giving me the best smile that she could muster before she got up from her chair to face me. She looked down at my chest, avoiding my eyes before her next words caused my whole world to shake under my feet.
“I know that you didn’t love me, and I wasn’t stupid to think that you did.” She said, wrapping her arms around herself. Her arms have lost a lot of their weight, and still needed to regain their strengths. But she was sure to hide that. “If you do not want me to share your bed, I do not mind…”
“Katerina, I told you, I do not intend to lose our marriage. I want it to be real, and I want the two of us to be real.”
“I am aware of what you said, but that is not what your heart wants.” She said, and I took a deep breath, trying to ignore the clench that formed in my chest as I heard her words. She was right, it was not what I wanted. If anything, I was trying my best to prove something that I knew would not exist any time soon. “But I will ask you to not play with my heart and
emotions.”
I looked down at her, watching as a tear fell from her right eye, one that she was quick to wipe before she looked up at me. “I do not blame you for being in love. You loved the woman long before even I entered your life, and to you, I am a forced marriage that you do not want. I understand that. But I also want you to promise me until you are sure of your feelings, you would not drag mine on. Yes, I will be your wife, and I may even tend
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to my duties as your wife. The last thing I want is for you to go and tend to them elsewhere. But I do plead that you do not give me false hopes.”
“I never did give them to you, and I do not plan on doing so.” I said, my tone just as cold as she was despite the pain that I knew that the two of us were in. The worst part about this was the fact that I didn’t even know why I was in pain. But I knew that one part of me hated what was going on. It hated the fact that I was breaking a woman’s heart when I knew that the only thing she simply wanted was her peace and security. It was something that despite promising to give, I knew that I couldn’t, at least, not emotionally. I was to keep her secured and at peace, but I knew that what she meant and needed was far more than just that. She wanted a home, something that she did not have and something that she was deprived from while she actually lived with HER family.
“Then the two of us have a deal.” She said, making my chest ache. “If there is nothing that you want to tell me. I would like to go down to the kitchen to see if I can get something to eat.”
“The maids can make you whatever you want, Katerina.” I said, trying to explain to her that regardless of this, the maids and workers still knew her as the woman of the house. She did not need to act as if she were a stranger, nor did she need to feel like one. I wasn’t stupid as not to know that it wouldn’t be as easy, but at least letting her know of it would help me out a lot.
“I am well aware of that.” She said, not looking at me. “But I would rather I tend to my own things.
