Chapter 30
Nikolay:
I stared at Katerina’s door for a few seconds before taking a step toward it, gathering the courage to knock on the door without the fear of being rejected or kicked out of the room.
The fact that I couldn’t blame her for doing so was something, but the fact that I knew that she was still angry with me was another.
I didn’t like it that she was, but I also couldn’t help her for being so. The woman had to know the limits of being my wife, and they weren’t only sexual.
She opened the door only to want to slam it shut on my face, not caring that she actually almost hit me with the door to begin with. I raised an eyebrow at put my hand on the door, stopping her before walking inside the room, ignoring her glare or anger.
Her eyes were swollen from crying. She had cried in the bathroom, my bathroom, when she showered there. Therefore despite it not being what I wanted for her, I knew that I had to let her digest it as it was.
“Mom and dad asked about you.” Katerina didn’t bother responding as she looked at me, her eyes holding more hate than I thought eyes should hold, and I knew that it was due to her being angry with me after what happened earlier. The anger that she had was understandable but it still wasn’t an excuse in my eyes. In theory, she knew that our marriage was a deal of families, and that meant having meals together was a must. All the anger set aside, we both had our responsibilities and were required to take them as we were taught. Otherwise, we knew that we would end up being questioned and that was the last thing that we needed.
“The two of us don’t need to be the center of attention right now, Katerina. Especially not with knowing for fact that mom and dad are in a
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fight because of the two of us. I know that you are going to tell me that it was not your fault, and you are right in that. It is not your fault that they got into a fight. But…”
“But nothing. For once I do not want to be blamed for anyone’s issues. I know that you are finding it easier to blame me. But please, don’t. I brought you here based on her request. I had you touching me, practically begging for you to do so because of her, and what did you do in return? You embarrassed me as if I were some hooker at a bar. Do you not think that this may be how your parents started? You told me that you did not want to end up like them, but here we are, having a conversation that no husband and wife should have, why? Because you as a man, did not want to touch your wife. But if I decide to say one word about it. I would be the one that is wrong, why? Because as your wife, it is MY duty to satisfy you. You don’t see it as your duty to satisfy me back, do you?”
“I am surprised by the way you translated the whole thing when all I wanted to do was give you time to actually trust that you want to do this. As a man, I did not want to force myself inside you when I knew that you were not ready. As a man, I wanted you to actually trust that you wanted me as much as I want you. As a man, I chose to be human with you rather than just hurt you. But no, you saw it in every possible negative way…”
“I was laying, fucking naked, under you. Do not play the victim here, Nikolay, because you are not. If anything, you are far behind being so. Why? Because rather than admitting the fact that you just do not want me,
you are…”
“Yes, I do not want you. In case you haven’t noticed; I never indicated that I wanted you. Not once in our marriage did I claim that I did. Yes, I kissed you, and yes, I lusted over you, but I would have never gone all the way with a woman like yourself. Why? Because I see a selfish woman who cares about no one but herself. A woman who is looking for every single downfall rather than trying to find a positive side of things. Guess what? I have that kind of woman in my life, and I chose to stay as far away from
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her as possible. Despite her being my mother, and despite her being in the same house, I do not sit with her nor do I bother sharing more than a cup of coffee with her, and instead, you chose to be like her as you brought me back to the hell that I escaped from.”
“It was either that, or I suffered and lost my reputation. My apologies, considering the fact that you are not helping me maintain it, I would rather not have your mother ruin it for me.” Katerina said, glaring at me. Her tone was colder than it was earlier, telling me that I crossed a huge line right now. I looked down at her, instantly regretting how I spoke to her when I saw her pain in her eyes. It was one that I didn’t want to see, and was one that I initially wanted to prevent. However, I ended up being the one to inflict it.
“Katerina, that is not what I meant.”
“You can leave the bedroom, Nikolay. If anyone asks me, I will be telling them that I grew ill and would apologize on your behalf if needed. If you want to go and spend the night with the woman who saved you from this house, your mother, and the memories that lay within these walls, go on ahead. Do not let me stop you.” She said, making my chest ache. The way she spoke was enough to tell me that not only was she fighting back tears, but she was fighting back saying so many things that she was choosing to block inside.
I went to open my mouth to speak, but she chose to smile at me, shaking her head as she wrapped her arms around herself, avoiding my eyes as she looked down at her feet. I could tell that tears were falling from her eyes. And it sickened me that I was the reason behind them. Hell, I was the main and only reason behind the pain that she was feeling right now, and that was something that I knew that I couldn’t digest easily. Mostly because I blamed her for something that I knew she wasn’t even in charge of.
Her telling me to go to Anastasia was a whole different story. It told me just how much limits I crossed and how much boundaries I broke with the
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cold way that I spoke to her, and I knew that there was no going back now. The arrow had been shot from the bow, and the main issue was that it hit the heart of the wrong target.
“Katerina, I told you that Anastasia and I broke up. I am not going to go back to her because the two of us just got into a fight. I already told you that I wanted our marriage to be real, but I need time to digest everything, okay? Maybe I didn’t make myself clear in that, and maybe I hurt you more with my attitude, but please believe me, this was the last thing that I wanted to do. If anything, I wanted and still want to do everything in my power for our marriage to work,” I said, trying to fix things. “Look at me, Katerina, I…”
“You compared me to a woman who has abused you, and has abused me by laying a hand on me in front of you. It wasn’t something that you heard, no, you knew that she did it. Your mother had men following us when the two of us lived at the hotel to tell her where the two of us were, did you know that? Of course, you didn’t. Did I go ahead telling you to do something against her? No, I didn’t. I swallowed my pride, I swallowed the pain and fear that I felt, and came back to the hotel, telling you that we had to come back. Did I give you my reasons? Question you why this was happening? Say anything that would disrupt your peace? No, no, and no.” She said, wiping her tears. “But since I am your nightmare, go to the woman of your dreams and get the fuck out of here. I no longer want you to think that you can touch me because this time, I don’t want you to.”
“Katerina…”
“Please get the bloody hell out of my room. I need to be alone, Nikolay..
