Chapter 36
Nikolay:
I sat on the waiting chair, running my fingers through my hair as I got lost in my thoughts.
The woman has been losing too much simply because she was married to me, and not only was she getting involved in whatever bullshit that I inflicted, now she was going to be having a hard time having a child.
Not once did I think or consider that she may have been ill in the past. Her fixed diet and her low weight, never did I consider that it could have been due to a previous disease, but I was never informed of it. But thinking about it, would it have changed anything if I knew? I was already putting her under enough pressure and would have due to me simply being with Anastasia.
Remembering her, it killed me to know that she was pregnant, and I wasn’t stupid as not to know that the baby was mine. Anastasia was not the type to go around sleeping with different men, at least, not with me. She was too spoiled by me to lose that over a few fuck nights, and she knew that for fact; therefore, I knew that the baby was not only mine, was also going to create a major conflict.
“How is she?” Dad asked, breaking my train of thoughts as he brought me a cup of coffee.
“Not well.” I said, taking the cup from him. “I couldn’t stay in the room while they told her that she got her ovary removed. It seems like her being previously diagnosed with leukemia also had a bad effect on her probably not having a child. Her uterus being as injured as it was is an issue as well, and she is lucky to have one of her ovaries despite the injury.”
“I am aware of what they diagnosed her with as I was there with you.” Dad said, and I nodded, being aware. If anything, he was there long before. even I was, and that said something about how I sucked as a husband toward the woman. She deserved better than I would ever be, and that was
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something that I knew for fact. “Did you tell her?”
“How can I give her that news when she just woke up to find out what she did? Her father has hurt her badly, and the pain that was in her eyes as she saw her reflection in the mirror was more than enough damage for her.” I said, shaking my head. I didn’t even know how I would be able to tell her. But I knew that it was something that couldn’t be kept secret for long. If I didn’t tell her about it, she might hear about it from media, or even worse, from Anastasia herself, and that was something that I expected from her. Why? Simply because she was fighting to get a revenge that she didn’t seem to know how to get or what to get it for.
“You are going to have to tell her one way or the other, Nikolay. She has the right to know whether or not she wants to file for a divorce or not. You don’t have the right to hurt her anymore than you already have. The woman has been broken enough, and you need to start putting that in consideration. The last thing you need is risking her hurting herself because of it.” Dad said, and I nodded, knowing that he was right. In truth, I was more frightened about her probably harming herself now more than ever. It was one of the reasons why I had two nurses staying with her around the hour, and the nurses would be staying with her even after she has come back to the house.
“Where would she be going in this state, dad? You know that..”
“After all the damage that you have caused her, I am afraid that you can’t be the one to decide where she does and doesn’t go. I know that you want to help her, but she has gone through more pain than a woman can or should take, and I believe that you of all people should be aware of that.” He said, stopping me. “Do not make my same mistakes and hurt the woman while you can still save her. When your mother and I were married, the one thing that kept me from filing that divorce was that I knew that she was pregnant with you, and after she gave birth, you were too young, and so on. You see how things ended up.”
My heart ached, and I looked down at my lap, avoiding his eyes as I was reminded of all the pain that I was forced to live through over the years. I didn’t even know how I dealt with it or how I grew out of it, but I
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remember myself sitting on the same table with my father for years without saying a single word to him. I remember locking myself in the room for days to pass through the summer or holidays if I was lucky enough to spend a week at home. The number of times where I was sent. to private schools abroad to simply leave the house were countless, and that didn’t even count for the days and nights where I knew that mom would stay awake, waiting for dad’s return only for him to not come back for two or three days. That often resulted in her getting her shared fit from my grandmother who only stopped when I stood up to them at the age of fourteen. I remember being beaten for an hour after my father for doing
So.
“I know that the two of us have a major gap between us, and I know that time might never be enough for me to give you back the thirty years that you lost either being abused by me or hating me. But I know one thing; if I could take back time and hold you in my arms, cradling you as a father should have to his son, I would have. Considering that I can’t, I apologize
to you…”
“It is a bit too late for apologies, but your advice was needed.” I said, stopping him before I got up from the chair that I was sitting on, leaving the coffee on the armrest. The last thing I needed was anything from him. The reminders that I got were more than enough to tell me why things got to where they were in my life to begin with.
Had any of us been showered by the love and respect that we deserved in the house, then things would have been a whole lot different. But one cannot have everything, right?
“If you need anything, I will be in my wife’s room as I believe that she needs someone to stay by her side for a bit.” I said, walking toward the room where Katerina was staying. I knocked on the door twice, not bothering to even wait for my dad’s response.
There was no need to hear anything from a man who has spent years hating you, breaking you, and making you hate your very existence, right? The man has done a lot more than just that over the years, and therefore, he couldn’t have expected me to simply neglect it because he gave me a
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few minutes of his time. It was something that the two of us knew to be impossible. These were years that were built with pain, anger, and hate, and he wasn’t going to wipe them out by a simple sorry. Things would have been a whole lot easier if that were the case.
The nurse opened the door for me, and my heart ached when I saw Katerina sleeping as tears fell from her eyes. “We had to give her something to calm her down. She would have tried hurting herself or breaking the whole room down.”
I nodded, motioning for the girls to walk out, leaving us alone. Both women hesitated for a second, but one glare was more than enough to have them getting out of the room, leaving us alone.
My chest ached with each step that I took toward her bed, regretting what I shouldn’t be right now. It was a bit too late for that now anyway.
I sat by her side as I took her hand in mine, gently running my finger over it before kissing her knuckle. “I know that I may never be able to make it up to you for what you have been through for and because of me. But I give you my word that I would fight my life to earn your trust one last
time.”
Her chest rose and fell with each breath that she took, and I leaned in to kiss her forehead, letting my lips linger there for a few seconds before pulling away to look her in the eye. My eyes softening at the sight of how peaceful she looked despite the thunderstorm that I knew she was going through.
“I will do whatever it takes, malyshka.” I whispered to her. “I give you my
word…”
田
