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Nikolay
“Are you okay, Katerina?” I asked, looking at my wife who smiled. Her smile did not reach her eyes, and despite that, she did not bother showing
- it.
I could tell that she was in more pain than she let out, and that was not something that I liked, if anything, it was something that I hated.
Mom made sure to hurt her more than anyone else. And the thing was, I didn’t even understand why.
One minute the woman claimed to love her and the other she was abusing her mentally. Especially considering that she knew how she felt, she saw her firsthand, she was there by her side, seeing her pain right before her eyes. But at this point I doubted that it made a difference. Katerina understood that she was on her own, and that was not something that I as her husband liked. If anything, I hated it. And despite trying to make it obvious that I did, my wife really didn’t care, and even if she did, she did not reveal it at all.
“I’m fine, Nikolay. You don’t need to worry about me. I just need to go to bed, and clear my mind, I would be okay in the morning. Therefore, I am going to freshen up and then we’re going to close this topic and go to sleep.” If only she knew how much that hurt me to know that she didn’t want to open up to me as her husband. But The thing was, I doubted that she understood or cared. And I couldn’t blame her, the pain that she was in because of us was one that no woman would have accepted. Hell, not even a man would have been able to handle what she did.
The fact that I knew that even I couldn’t handle the pain that my mother inflicted was something, and yet, it killed me to admit that she was required the handle the pain that MY mother put her through, it was something that most women, if not all, would have avoided at all costs.
“Katarina, you are just blocking so much inside, you do realize that, right?”
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I asked, voicing out the pain that I was feeling toward this situation. There was no point in hiding it, the woman knew that she was hurting me, at least, that was what I was seeing. However, her cold eyes told me that she was more numb than she had ever been.
In truth, I knew that the pain that she was dealing with was because of ME. Our marriage was something that was causing her more pain than she should have been able to handle, and that was something that I knew for fact; however, to express it to her, or to have her to admit that she was in pain was a challenge all together. Knowing Katerina, the woman would rather she die than open up to the pain that she was feeling.
“I am going to be fine, I just need time to process everything that has happened and I’m going to be ok, yeah? For now, I just want you to calm down and focus on what’s coming. And you also have work to go to. I know that you have been collecting for my sake, but that is not something that you have to do anymore.”
“Katerina, you are my wife and if I have done something for you, it is because I wanted to.”
“Nick..”
“No, that is enough. Enough is enough. The two of us are just going to break up this way, and that is not something that I want. I know I’ve made. mistakes and I know that I broke your heart more times than a person should do to another, but this is far too much for me to handle.” I said, stopping her from whatever she was about to say. I was more than willing to accept most of what she was going to tell me, but if it was going to be her asking me for more space, then that was something that I was not going to be able to accept.
“Nikolay, you do realize that the only mistake that I’ve made is that I fell in love with you? I know that it might not make a difference to you, but it makes a difference to me. Yes, I am fighting to control my heart and feelings, but sometimes I cannot. You need to understand that it is not something that I can control and even though I want to, I really, really, really do. I can’t.” She said, making my heart ache. I knew that I was her
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first love, and I knew that I was also her first heartbreak. It was something that I hated, especially since I knew how pure the woman was.
“Katarina, please don’t say that. Look, I want to be with you, I really do, but my breakup with Anastasia, our marriage, everything just happened. too fast for me to handle.” I said, trying to explain the situation to her. The thing was, at this point, I was afraid of making the situation worse than it already was.
“You know what I am hating more and more about this marriage? The feeling that I was threatened by this Anastasia. I am lost, and I am alone despite being surrounded by people, many people. I have a husband that does not love me. My husband’s heart belonged to another woman despite him being my first love. I am trying to cope with then comes your mother, then comes your father who I do not even know how to deal with. I know that you’re trying to fight your best to become my husband, and I know they want to be my husband, but let me focus on trying to get back to being mentally healthy first. I doubt that you would want to deal with me. when I am as broken as I really am, or in the amount of pain that I am really in.” She said, making my chest ache. She didn’t realize the fire that she was pouring inside my heart as she spoke the way that she was.
“You do know that this is the last thing that I wanted to have. It is mainly the reason why don’t want this marriage.” I said before I could stop myself. Katerina froze and chose to stay quiet as she wrapped her arms around herself, trying to control her expression as I knew that I just broke her more than she already was. “Katerina, I am sorry…”
“You said what you wanted. Can I please go to the bathroom, take a shower because I need to go to bed?” She asked, stopping me. The pain in her eyes. was one that I don’t remember seeing before. It was like the light in her eyes had completely disappeared, and I knew that it was because of me.
“Katerina…”
“I am fine. And I know that you don’t love me, so there is no point in trying to actually believe in something that will happen. Yes it does hurt, it hurts a lot to know that the person you want to spend your life with looks
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at you like some stranger. But I need to focus on getting myself settled for my mental health, but I know that I will be able to. Whatever your mom said. Whatever she would say. That is not something that I would judge you for. I know that you don’t have anything to do with it, and you would never have anything to do with it. Whatever her motives are, whatever she wants me to go through for now, I don’t want to think about it. So can I please get ready for bed?” Katarina asked, making my heart break. The way she sounded as helpless as she was told me that we had hurt her more than she deserved. And that was not something that I found myself liking.
“Alright, you can go.”
“Good morning,” I said, smiling when I saw Katerina walking quietly down the stairs, either trying to focus on her footing or just wanting to avoid speaking to me.
“Good morning, Nikolay.” She said before going back to being quiet. It was something that I have gotten used to in the past two weeks. I swear, the two of us have been here for almost a month and yet, we did not bother speaking to one another or at least, trying to have a proper conversation. with one another throughout the whole duration.
“Am I still going to get the silent treatment?”
“Do you really believe that? Do you believe that I am childish enough to give you this silent treatment?” She asked, clearly mocking my question, making me frown as I tried to control and contain what I was feeling. The thing was, I knew that she was speaking in such a way to contain HER own self. She didn’t really care how I felt at this point, and I couldn’t blame her, it was me who started this war.
“No, but at this point…”
“Nikolay, can we please just close the topic?” She asked, stopping me, making me frown in confusion. She has been stopping me a lot lately, and it was mostly her silently asking me to just shut up because didn’t want to speak to me. “I am coping. I am trying to actually make something out of
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myself and I want to our relationship to at least somewhat work, if ever. But this is going to take me more than just a few weeks for me to be able to forget what happened, It is not easy for you or dealing with what I have to do.”
“Katerina, don’t you think for one minute that I want to help you with this? That I want to be a part of your healing, that maybe the two of us can actually bond by doing this? It is my fault and I know that it is. I know that I’ve hurt you more than you have deserved, but please understand that this was not my intention, and it is something that I want to fix.” I said, trying to explain or express myself to a woman who either didn’t understand me or just didn’t want to at this point, but I still wanted to try and make things right between us. It was the ONLY way for us to try and make things right.
“Nikolay, I know that you’re trying to do your best for me to actually be happy, for me to process everything that happened and for me to be able to cope and live. The thing is, I lost my ovary, I lost my parents, I lost my whole family. And now, I am just alone reminded that I have nothing in my life and the one person that I do love is in love with another person. No, I do not blame you for loving Anastasia. The woman seems to be like the perfect fit for you.” She said, taking a deep breath as she tried calming herself before tears escaped her eyes. “But I know that I do not fit in the picture of your life.”
I looked at her before choosing to stay quiet as I walked toward the dining. table, not knowing what else to tell her.
“You know, I will no longer open the topic. I have tried and tried and tried but it seems like you really don’t want to help you out.” I said, shaking my head as I looked at her, my pain making me say things that I knew I might regret later. “Yes. I know that you want to take your time to understand what I’m saying, but no, I don’t have that much time to keep waiting or begging. So until you are ready to all this, can sit down and talk…”
“Nikolay, please don’t play the game of victim or of the person who wanted no trouble here. I’m not the victim here. Yes, I admit that. Maybe I’ve said my wrong shares, maybe I have done my mistakes. But the last
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thing I did was cheat on you or. I doubt that you would accept me if that was the case. I am sitting here knowing that another woman is still in your heart, while I am married to you. If I do try and say anything, you might actually go ahead turn against me for simply not fulfilling my duties as your wife. That is something that you have chosen. I have no proof to you and Anastasia being together except for that picture I that was taken by a photographer they made lies about. See. That’s the pain that I’m dealing with. That is something you would never be able to deal with, and that is something that everybody’s expecting me to be patient.” She said, making me frown as my anger played in my head at her choices of words. Her expecting me to file for a divorce was something that angered me more than she even thought of imagining.
“You don’t have to be patient. Do you want to go on file that divorce? Then fucking do it. But do not come to me begging for my attention, and do not come begging for my forgiveness or begging for my heart. I’m tired and I am done trying to satisfy A woman who does not…
“You are not being fucking serious, right? You have been nothing but a dick to me throughout this whole month. Fucks sake for me to actually be able to be patient for this and you are actually expecting. What the hell? Who the hell do you think you are?”
“I’m your fucking husband. You have said it more times than you have said your name in the past. I am your fucking husband. Drill that in you head.” I snapped, stopping her from whatever it was that she had to say.
“Fuck you.”
“Gladly, I doubt you’ll be able to handle it.”
My heart aches at the words that I was saying, especially since I knew that I was pressuring her to open up about what she was feeling. However, I was forced to keep a straight face and looked at the woman who was obviously breaking in front of me, the pain in my eyes and hers was one that we both saw. And taking a deep breath, I got up from the dining scene. Slowly wrapping my arms around her. She wrapped her arms around me, hugging me back, slowly laying her head on my chest as she took in the
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“Katerina, I know that it is not my place to decide. But I think tat we are going to need to start counseling. I think that it would be the only way that the two of us are going to manage to make our marriage work, if a little at least…” I said, running my finger over her cheek as we both pulled away to look one another in the eye. “What do you think, baby girl?”
