Chapter 53
Nikolay
I looked at Katarina as I tried to understand what she was hiding. The fact that she did not mention Anastasia to the doctor was something that I didn’t really understand, though I did expect her to and I did try to push her to doing so. I was surprised when she didn’t bring the topic up at all. If anything, she didn’t even mention that our marriage was mainly rocky because I had another affair.
“Are you sure? That you’re, malyshka.” I asked, trying to get her to speak. The thing was, it wasn’t about just her not mentioning it to the doctor only. But the thing was, she was really not talking about anything at all. It was like you didn’t never happened. She wasn’t asking questions. She didn’t even ask whether or not Anastasia was calling. And that was something that surprised me, especially considering the fact that she knew of the past that we both had, and the fact that Anastasia was at home when her father came. It was something that I couldn’t let go of. How she was there at the same time the man was, and how she claimed that she was pregnant when she knew that Katerina might not be able to have a child. That was something that I did not understand, but at this point, I knew better than to ask too many questions.
“I’m fine, Nikolay. Thank you.” She said, giving me a gentle smile. I stayed quiet, not knowing what to say. At this point, I didn’t know how to actually communicate with her to understand what she was feeling or how she was feeling. Was she finding something, wasn’t she? Did she have something in her mind? Those ideas? Was she scared of losing me like before? At least if she spoke, I would know what to say or do. But now, she was just leaving me blank, watching as I got lost in the thousands of thoughts that could be happening. The fact that the two of us have not touched one another was another thing that concerned me. Mostly because I didn’t know how she felt about it anymore. She expressed her distaste for it before, but after her surgery, and after the number of conflicts, I was only thankful for the fact that the two of us were actually sharing a bed.
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“So, what are we planning to do today?” Katerina asked, breaking our silence. “We went to therapy. We had lunch together. So what do you plan on doing? I doubt that we’re just going to keep driving around doing nothing?”
“We’re not going to keep driving like that, but I was thinking of US spending some time together, you know,” I said, trying to find the right words to put it without it sounding more odd than it already did. “building what we lost. Also making up for lost time.”
“Nikolay, you really don’t have to do this if you have work to do. And there is no need to lie to me or tell me that you don’t, I know that you do and I know they’ve been delaying it. I’ve actually been mentioning it and talking about it since we got home. But since you are now refusing to do so, you’re really going to do it for work.” She said, shaking her head at me.
I chuckled, knowing that she was right. I was in her eyes, I was on a long vacation. But in reality I wasn’t. I was doing my job and finishing what I needed to do while she was asleep or busy at home. I knew that I couldn’t leave her in the weak state that she was in, and that wasn’t something that I wanted to explain to her. The last thing I needed was for her to think that I pitied her. If anything, it was the exact opposite. I had my assistant and manager working on things. Therefore, I knew that I didn’t have to worry about it. It was something that I expected her to understand considering the fact that she was with her father most of the time when it came to meetings. But then again, I doubted that a bastard like him would have taken a second to explain anything to her. The man was simply waiting for a moment to break her, and no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t bring myself to drop what he did to her. Unlike her, I wasn’t able to forge the fear and pain that I saw her going through.
“Katerina malyshka, you of all people should know that I don’t like to delay my job.” I said, smiling at her, assuring her that things were under control. “Yes, I have not been going, but I’ve been working from the house and the managers have been taking care of things in the office, if there was anything that I needed to do, I would have gone to the office. But now my priority right now is you as my wife.”
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She stayed quiet, not knowing what to respond. And I knew that she got lost in her thoughts. However, that was something that I was used to by now. She was getting lost in her thoughts a lot lately. And that was something that I wanted to stop, if anything, I wanted to know what she was thinking. Whatever it was, I wanted to be part of it.
“Do you want to tell me what’s on your mind, malyshka?” I asked, breaking her train of thoughts. The last thing that she needed right now was to get lost in dark thoughts. Those dark thoughts were what got her in the state that she was in to begin with. And I was part of those thoughts up to a certain point; therefore, I wanted to be the one to mend those scars.
“You know that I am scared that you might leave me if I get too attached to you, right? It is one of the reasons why I sometimes choose to stay quiet.” She said, making my chest ache. I hated to admit it. But the small woman that sat by my side was a woman that was broken, and I could tell as I looked at her or simply listened to her. The odd part in this was the pain that I felt was one that I don’t remember feeling, not even with Anastasia.
“Why would you think that I would leave you?” I asked her, voicing out my fear and confusuon. I knew for fact that that she loved me and that she was innocent. Her heart was pure, as pure as gold was one that I did not value. The pain that I felt that very moment, knowing that I broke into a piece of glass, a beautiful jewel who was untouched was something that I couldn’t find myself accepting forgiving myself for. Therefore, I knew that I needed to make up to her.
“You know our history. That’s two of us seem to have so many fights, and our argument. Everything just keeps playing in my head whenever I try to ignore it.” She said, not looking at me. I knew that it hurt her more to express her feelings than to just block them inside. To express what she felt, meant to accept that she was feeling that much pain and that was not something that Katarina wanted to accept. I understood that very well. I didn’t need her to speak to me for me to know that her act of being strong was one that might not last for too long. If anything, she would take a long while before she was able to even trust me as her husband again. That was
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“Well, do you want to try and speak to me about it? Maybe I can help.” I asked in hope that you would actually open up. I knew that to her, opening up would take me a lot more efforts to do so, but I still held on to the hope that she might accept. Her speaking about it was good. Therefore, I was going to take advantage of the moment and I was going to try and drag the conversation as much as I could. If I could get a few words out of her, maybe I could actually know how to help her out.
“I’m going to need a little more time to properly heal, Nikolay.” Katerina said, giving me a gentle smile that did not reach her eyes. It was a smile that I knew well, and sadly, I knew not to hold on to any hope based on it. “This is not something that you can help me with, Nikolay. Yes, I understand that you want to. But it would take a lot more effort and a lot more time for me to heal. Therefore, we can just give it this time…”
“That is the thing, Katerina. I want to be by your side through your healing phase.” I said, stopping her from finishing her sentence. “I want to be that person that you come to and find if you need them, at least that person that you actually want speak to or could open up to. That is something that I know I’m going to need to work on, but it is something that I want you to keep in mind.”
“Nikolay, you know for fact that I don’t speak to anyone else except you. You are my husband and my friend. But healing is something, and trusting you is another. By time, both would happen. I hope that you don’t take that into offense, but you know. Things were not as blessed or as good between the two of us. Therefore, can you just give me that time? Please.” She said, looking down at her lap as she avoided my eyes.
I stayed quiet, not knowing what to say, before nodding, knowing that arguing or trying to urge her was not going to get me anywhere, therefore choosing to stay quiet, I took her hand and kissed her knuckle gently. Something that I knew she grew to love over time.
“I’ll leave you be for now. I won’t open any topics. But I want you to know that what happened in the past would stay in the past.” I said, looking at
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her as she frowned in confusion, waiting for me to finish what I had to say. I was thankful for us stopping at a traffic light on the right timing. “Yes, I know that I would take you a little more time to believe me or trust what I’m saying right now. But if you ever have it in you to trust me, I’m more than willing to open my arms for you to hug you, to hold you, and kiss you. That is something that I want you to keep in mind. Today, tomorrow, and in a million years, okay, malyshka?”
